the roll of the die
by waterlit
Summary: The process of grieving doesn't always include desperation and depression. Kanda/femAllen.


Title: the roll of the die

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own this series.

Characters and pairings: KandafemAllen, LenaleeLavi

Summary: The process of grieving doesn't always include desperation and depression. Kanda/femAllen.

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><p><strong>[the roll of the die]<strong>

**KandafemAllen**

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><p>"Don't smoke that."<p>

For a moment Kanda stands there, his cracked lips lying still against the curve of the cigarette. Then he turns to face the woman who has been stalking him for _hours_. "Go away."

The girl before him crosses her arms; her pink lips pursed firmly together. "Yes, I'm fine too, Kanda. Thanks for asking. Komui sends his love."

"Che."

"No, seriously. Stop it, Kanda. Why are you doing this?"

Girl doesn't know a thing, Kanda thinks, so she should stop bothering him.

"I know what you're thinking," she says, wagging a gloved finger at him. He can see the folds in the leather, the tell-tale creases that divulge the positions of her fingers.

"Go away, Lenalee."

Lenalee rubs her hands together, her breath coming out white in the frosty air. She pulls her grey coat tighter around herself, the hem falling loose around her knees. "Allen didn't like people who smoke, you know."

"And do I care jackshit about what a Moyashi thinks?" He laughs, the sound of his voice jarring even to his own ears.

"Kanda –"

"_No_. Don't you dare say it."

"But…"

Kanda puts out a warning hand. Girl should keep her thoughts to herself, he thinks. You meddle with the affairs of others, then you expect to get shit thrown back at you.

He watches her shoulders sink in, the realisation of things left unsaid hanging heavy between them.

"I'll be going then," Lenalee says. "Lavi's waiting. If you want to come with us…"

"No," he says. His voice is harsh against the quiet road. "You go ahead. I'm not coming."

Kanda stands and watches, the smouldering cigarette resting against the curve of his palm. Lenalee walks away, her feet treading a path toward a green car parked at the end of the street, her head dipped and her hands huddled deep within her pockets.

When the car moves off, Kanda sighs and dumps the cigarette into the nearest bin. Damn it, he thinks. He doesn't want to go.

But Lenalee and Lavi are going…

"You know how troublesome you are?" Kanda asks, looking up into the white sky. The weak winter sunlight glints off the surface of his black coat. "I really do hate you, for chrissake."

He turns the corner and then walks straight into a florist's.

:::

One

_A penny for your thoughts? Oh, don't smoke that, Bakanda. It's bad for your health!_

Two

_Like hell I care. Go away._

Three

_Bloody hell, Kanda! I swear I'll make you quit this habit…_

Four

_I'd like to see you try, Moyashi._

Five

_I told you I'd succeed, didn't I? And thanks for the roses, though I know Lavi made you get them._

Six

_I thought of it myself, you little idiot._

Seven

_When Kanda comes… tell him I love him, won't you?_

Eight

_I'm right here, Moyashi! Look at me! I'm here, damn it!_

Nine

_Hey, Bakanda. Just a little note for you… in case, you know? It's made me very happy all this while. I really love you. I hope you never have to read this… but if you do, just know that fate brought us together for a reason. Live on, dear!_

Ten

_Why did this happen? I told you to wait for me… Idiot. _

:::

Kanda pinches the bridge of his nose, a bouquet of red roses in his hand. He steps away from his black Ford, the wind nipping at his cheeks and fluffing up the tendrils of his hair.

It's almost evening, and the sun is slowly dying behind the mountains, its last precious rays crawling over the horizon, struggling to reach the zenith. Allen would have liked the scene, Kanda muses, before he throws the thought out.

The steps are steep, and carved into the stone are little patterns; things long lost in the history of mankind. These are stories entwined with life, but Kanda only regards them with a cold eye before placing his feet over them.

The climb is a short one, thank the heavens, because Kanda's tired and grouchy already and he doesn't need one more obstacle before he faces the largest obstacle in his life.

Kanda enters under the arch, grey stone yawning over his head.

He has come this way once every month for two years straight, a special visit propped into the calendar in damned January.

The rest of them, they think he visits the place once a year, iIn January. He doesn't bother to correct them. After all, it is indeed a lonely pilgrimage, for chrissake, so why would he come more often? Lavi knows, though, but doesn't say a thing. Thank goodness the idiot has some sense, at least.

"Hey, Kanda."

_Ahhh_. Kanda expects it. He merely continues on ahead, the bouquet hanging limply by his side.

"Wait up."

Kanda slows his pace by a fraction, and the redhead bounces up beside him. "I knew you'd be here."

"Where's your crazy girlfriend?"

"Lenalee left earlier. I told her to head home first."

"Good riddance."

"She's your friend."

"Shut the hell up, won't you?"

"I'll be right here, Yu. You go on ahead. Lenalee and I… we've already said our piece."

Kanda presses on, his eyes checking his position amid the gathering gloom. The craggy steps wind round and he steps off them onto a beaten, dusty path. His boots crunch against the gravel, crushing what remains of the sorry brown vegetation.

He stops before a white slab.

"Moyashi. I… I brought you roses. Thought you'd like them, like the sappy idiot you are." Kanda looks up and away. "How's it down there? I'm not waiting for you, you know."

The sky's a dark purple, and dark silhouettes flit against the clouds.

"I'm going, then," Kanda says. He stoops and places the bouquet before the standing white slab. "See you in a bit. Maybe. I'm trying to move on, not that you'd understand."

:::

"Feeling better?" Lavi asks. He pats Kanda on the back.

"Don't touch me," Kanda growls, and starts off down the steps.

"Hey, wait up, Yu! You've got to drive me back!"

"You have a damned car. Sod off."

"Lenalee drove it back!"

"Too bad, idiot."

"Yu!"

"Not today."

They reach the car, and Lavi stands by the passenger seat, his eye opened wide. "Please?"

Kanda snorts, but allows Lavi to climb in anyway. Heaven knows the journey back to civilisation will be a painful and lonely one, and having a babbling idiot next to you is an irritating but sorely needed option.

In other words, today is a day when Kanda needs some bloody company, and Lavi sure as hell knows it

"Let's go get us a drink," Lavi says.

The car slides smoothly along the dirt road, the purring of the engine a distant sound. Kanda looks straight ahead, his eyes never leaving the bends that shape the road.

"I'm driving."

"Doesn't mean you can't drink," Lavi counters. "I can drive you home. You deserve to get all drunk today."

Kanda doesn't reply. The silence looms larger in the interior of the car, and Lavi sighs.

At the next intersection, though, Kanda stops the car, kills the engine.

"What are you doing?" Lavi asks, and he catches sight of Kanda's eyes – those hollow pits filled with misery and pain. For a moment he wonders if Kanda will kill him and bury him somewhere in this craggy land, leaving behind only the slightest trail of blood and rot.

Then Lavi shakes the thought away – because Kanda is walking toward a wooden structure at the end of a side road. He hurries to follow his friend.

The building, predictably, turns out to be one of those roadside inns built in the ancient style brought over from Kanda's homeland.

"Room," Kanda says to the owner, and the man bows and leads them to a room laid with mats.

They sit around the little table set right smack in the middle of the room. The smell of green tea wafts from some other direction and Kanda actually almost smiles.

"Thinking about fond memories?"

"No," Kanda denies, his cup of sake already in his hands.

"You're drinking sake?" Lavi asks, eyeing it suspiciously.

"Yes," Kanda said.

"Don't you want to get drunk real fast?"

"Stop asking so many damned questions, idiot."

"You're such a jerk sometimes," Lavi says, but grabs another cup of sake anyway.

"I don't want to get too drunk tonight," Kanda says. His tongue is always looser when he has some alcohol in him, which is as good as it gets.

"Huh," Lavi says. He stares deep into his cup. "'Y'know, Yu, we miss Allen too."

Kanda's breath catches. Lavi can hear the intake of breath, and the silence that comes after.

"Don't you think it's about time we talk openly about it? We've been skirting the issue for way too long…"

"Damn you," Kanda says.

"She's been gone almost two years, Kanda. It's time you faced reality."

"Asshat."

"Bastard."

"Idiot Usagi."

"Is this going to turn into a full-out swearing party?" Lavi asks. He sort-of smiles. "I thought we were gonna get drunk."

Kanda inclined his head to the right, allowing sections of his dark, silky hair to flow softly over the ridges of his shoulders. "She should just have waited, that day."

"What actually happened?"

"We… we were going to meet up," Kanda says. He can't believe the words that are spilling from his mouth, because what the hell is he doing saying this to Lavi? "Then I was late."

Lavi nods.

"Car crashed into her."

"Yu…"

"I'm fine, Usagi. Don't me that damned look filled with pity. I don't need any pity, for shit's sake!"

"Don't get worked up," Lavi says.

"I'm not."

They spend the rest of the evening talking about Allen and Lenalee and the happy days that came before.

Kanda is surprised by himself.

And – he's not drunk at the end of it. Not really. Not drunk-drunk, but slightly, under-the-weather drunk. He even manages to drive himself home. A trophy for him, thank you very much. For once, too, Allen isn't standing by his front door, waiting to welcome him home, her pearly feet dragging on the carpet.

:::

Kanda drags himself up the hill despite the cold that threatens to bite his nose off and the headache that rages behind his eyes. Maybe he did take one too many cups of sake the night before, he thinks. Damn all alcohol. When he reaches the marble, he sighs and pulls himself straight.

"Allen," he begins. It doesn't sound right.

"Moyashi. You asshat. You know what hell I've been through these two years?" Kanda looks straight at the slab and summons his most ferocious glare. "I hate you."

Overhead, the sun climbs behind a cloud, and what little warmth there is also dissipates. In the unrelenting barren landscape, nothing moves – except for Kanda.

"You really should have listened to me that day. I would have come for you, idiot."

Kanda takes a step back. The lighting is still rather dim, and he really doesn't want to lose his footing. "I talked to Lavi yesterday. We had a drink… many drinks. Shit, why am I even telling you this?"

Up in the sky, the cloud begins to tear itself away from the weak, yellow sun.

"I miss you," Kanda says. He looks away to the horizon, where a tall mountain sits waiting, silent in the empty land. "We wanted to go there… but now we can't. I still blame you, Moyashi. But you know, since… che. Since you're gone, I might as well live properly before we get chained together in the afterlife, eh?"

Kanda swipes at a twig that lies just below the marble slab. "You once told me about Mana… I laughed at you. But what you said makes sense now. I've been thinking about it all morning. Walk on, huh? We'll see. I'll walk on all right, though it will be damned hard.

"The Usagi and Lenalee will help me through it. And – I'll drop by now and then, idiot."

The sunlight streams down again as Kanda walks down the craggy stairs. He looks up and surveys the sky, a brief smile kindling on his chapped lips. As he reaches the black Ford that sits solemnly by the roadside, its wheels resting amid puddles of putrid leaves, Kanda reaches into a pocket.

He glances at the small packet of cigarettes that exits his coat. Without hesitation, he flings it in the direction of the nearest bin and slides into the driver's seat.

Kanda reaches out. His ignition key turns easily, and the engine purrs lightly. With a last look toward the sprawling hill, he accelerates and drives away.

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><p>AN: I just finished writing this. Tbh, I quite like it. At least, I liked the plot (or its sorry lack of one).

What did you think? Thanks for reading, and all comments would be appreciated! (:


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